just watched parts of the atp video and am now self-conscious about my everything

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mrgs….

I’m a little disappointed in myself.

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You know, sometimes it’s really hard not to just give up.  This whole damn semester has just one time after another been me being told I’m not good enough.

I applied for the front desk for this semester because a spot opened up.  I didn’t get an interview.  You know what, fine, I understand that there’s only one spot, and it’s an in demand job.

I ran for hall secretary.  I lose.  You know what, that’s cool, the person who won is pretty rad.

I ran for my club’s treasurer.  I lose that election in a freaking unanimous decision.  But he’s a new guy, he’s likely more qualified, I’ll have to let that slide.  Would have been nice to have a few votes though.

I enter a poetry slam.  I get eliminated in the first round.  The person who won deserved it, but the person who got second was the worst one there.

I enter the Mr. Reuter Hall competition.  It’s between me and one other guy.  I prepare a ukulele medley for the talent bit.  He comes out and says he doesn’t have a talent, and he doesn’t even know what he’s entering.  I lose.  And that’s fine, because I didn’t particularly want the stress of the next step of that competition.

I go to an open mic night that spontaneously is announced to be a competition.  I do not win.  But that one I’m actually one hundred percent okay with, because the person that won was amazing, and were I anyone else, I probably would have voted for her.

I apply for the front desk for next year.  At this point, they are hiring an entirely new team.  Everyone reapplies.  Everyone has an equal opportunity to get an interview, I should think.  Again, I don’t even get an interview. And this is the goddamn ass of it.  I applied.  I couldn’t access the online application, but I god damn persevered and wrote a freaking cover letter, attached my resume, and every bit of both of those was fantastic.  The people doing the hiring process know me personally, they know how much the position means to me, they know how involved I am and how I am with people.  I have worked a front desk position before, and if they were to ask my previous supervisor, I am quite certain they would get a good review.  I cannot think of a single reason why I can’t even get an interview.  And I know that probably sounds like I’m whining or whatever, but I honestly don’t get it.

And the pattern emerges.  And I don’t understand.