that update hurt and here’s why
that update hurt and here’s why
So I’ve been mostly afk for the past week because of this thing I’ve been doing! It’s called Awareness Through Performance (ATP), and it’s a social action theatre performance that is written and staged and rehearsed and performed all in one week. It was stressful as hell, exhausting, and some nights I left just feeling awful, but it was REALLY GOOD and I am REALLY GLAD that i did it! We had our performances today, and they went SO WELL and I am SO HAPPY. And I am SO TIRED and SO SORE AWUGH but still, it was really good.
I’m a little disappointed in myself.
You know, sometimes it’s really hard not to just give up. This whole damn semester has just one time after another been me being told I’m not good enough.
I applied for the front desk for this semester because a spot opened up. I didn’t get an interview. You know what, fine, I understand that there’s only one spot, and it’s an in demand job.
I ran for hall secretary. I lose. You know what, that’s cool, the person who won is pretty rad.
I ran for my club’s treasurer. I lose that election in a freaking unanimous decision. But he’s a new guy, he’s likely more qualified, I’ll have to let that slide. Would have been nice to have a few votes though.
I enter a poetry slam. I get eliminated in the first round. The person who won deserved it, but the person who got second was the worst one there.
I enter the Mr. Reuter Hall competition. It’s between me and one other guy. I prepare a ukulele medley for the talent bit. He comes out and says he doesn’t have a talent, and he doesn’t even know what he’s entering. I lose. And that’s fine, because I didn’t particularly want the stress of the next step of that competition.
I go to an open mic night that spontaneously is announced to be a competition. I do not win. But that one I’m actually one hundred percent okay with, because the person that won was amazing, and were I anyone else, I probably would have voted for her.
I apply for the front desk for next year. At this point, they are hiring an entirely new team. Everyone reapplies. Everyone has an equal opportunity to get an interview, I should think. Again, I don’t even get an interview. And this is the goddamn ass of it. I applied. I couldn’t access the online application, but I god damn persevered and wrote a freaking cover letter, attached my resume, and every bit of both of those was fantastic. The people doing the hiring process know me personally, they know how much the position means to me, they know how involved I am and how I am with people. I have worked a front desk position before, and if they were to ask my previous supervisor, I am quite certain they would get a good review. I cannot think of a single reason why I can’t even get an interview. And I know that probably sounds like I’m whining or whatever, but I honestly don’t get it.
And the pattern emerges. And I don’t understand.
So apparently I am upset.
I’m shaking, unsettled, tense, and my tear ducts are making an excellent case for operation. I am playing my ukulele kind of frenetically, and I’m typing really hard.
Everything is telling me I am upset except for my emotions. Which I guess are starting to freak out because I don’t know why I seem to be upset.
Anyway that’s not really a happy post and I apologize for that! You all are wonderful though, so hugs all around.
It’s funny how I wrote that post like four in the morning was an ex-girlfriend of mine that I keep coming back to.
Because five minutes after, I just got an apologetic letter from an ex-girlfriend of mine that I used to keep coming back to.
But it’s four in the morning and I cannot process an actual emotional response, let alone the kind of reply a message like that deserves. Man I don’t even know what kind of replay that message deserves.
I just… I just don’t think it should be angry. Which is good cuz I’m not.
At this moment.
It’s an interesting thing for me to look back and see where I am compared to where I was a year ago. I don’t usually enjoy summing up a year in a few thoughts. That usually never captures the spirit of things quite adequately. It also involves both retrospection and introspection, two things of which I am historically not fond. But I think that though I may not wish to sum up the year as “good” or “bad” or “fun for the whole family” or “delicious with cheese”, I should like to draw a comparison to where I was a year ago.
If I am not mistaken, it was exactly a year ago today that I left La Crosse and moved back to Milwaukee. I had a spectacularly bizarre year, and the two months leading up to December were rather difficult for me. As a result of emotional, romantic, intellectual, environmental and professional stress, I found myself unable to cope. I left my house, my school, and my job rather abruptly and moved across the state to live with my parents again.
A lot happened to me in this year. I did a great deal of personal reflection. I started going to a therapist. I quit myself from medication. I engaged in a very long job search. I experimented with graphic design. I reconnected with old friends. I got chiropractic adjustments. I did enormous amounts of paperwork. I wrote a play. I eventually even reapplied to school. I started taking classes again. I started getting things together. I made so many new friends. I experienced many new things. I tried learning three musical instruments and succeeded most in learning one of them. I’ve developed new interests, read new books, watched new things, listened to new music.
A year ago today, I was an emotional wreck, terrified that I had become a failure in a family full of really smart and successful people. Today, I’m passing all my classes, living healthy, losing weight, playing a new instrument, spending time with amazing pals, and even working on getting a play I’ve written to production by next spring. I could not be in a more different place, and I could not be more pleased with my progress.
A year ago I thought I’d never finish college. Today I’m looking at a mere three semesters left.
Life is good.